When you are doing the work and process of awakening or finding the truth or losing yourself or whatever you wanna call it, it is inevitable that you at some point land at the place where everything is very boring.
I have been doing the self losing/non-personalisation/truth realisation process now for about 1,5-2 years. It has been a process and journey beyond all the words. The one that I really didn´t choose or want. It just found me and started to evolve in my mind without me having any real possibility to stop it. I did try of course, several times, but the truth is when it starts it starts.
It´s actually quite hard to remember now in retrospective how the process has gone and how I have changed as a person. I really can´t get a hold on that even if I try. But what I will do in this blog, is to share my thoughts of the process at this point where I am now and also about the previous chapters of it, if or when I remember. I´m very certain that I do remember if it´s necessary or for some reason relevant for the reader(s) or for me self.
The whole idea is that in the awakening process you lose yourself. Meaning that you realize that there is not a person called you. My name is Eva, so there is not a person there who I am pretending to be. It is just a role, actor in the play called life of Eva.
I have spent extensive amount of time during my life reading, studying and investigating human personality, psychology, all kind of different therapy trends and personality tools. I am firm believer of the fact that we humans are pure emotional creatures. Intelligence and mind are just ego tools and ways to survive here in the modern world. But in the end, we are only made of emotions and everything we do or not do, is based on emotions only. And that we also inherit our emotions from our parents, grandparents etc., because our DNA and genes carry the emotional traumas and “codes” just like it carries everything related to our appearance or our odds to develop certain diseases etc.
In it really is like that. You have a huge emotional package not only from your childhood but also from your parents and grandparents. And the emotional tools and psychology is putting all it´s efforts to investigating, analyzing and especially to cleaning those traumas and making you a “new person”, free from your traumas and ready to live YOUR life and make it as you want it to be. That all is very popular pop-psychology of today and part of the positive thinking movement and “I can make my life what ever I want”- religion. And actually it is true, you can do all those things and little by little cleanse yourself and your heritage.
But the problem is that it is never ending job. One that never stops. You will never be ready. You will be doing the cleansing your whole life and there will always be new traumas arising. If you have done thorough work with your own childhood, trust me, there will be plenty of shit remaining from you parents and grandparents. It is a job you can never complete.
And why should you? Because there is no you. There is no one called Eva. In this reality there of course is Eva and her role in this play and all her childhood traumas, parents traumas and grandparents even bigger traumas which are all totally unprocessed. And boy, what a field of processing there is waiting. Never ending job. But why to do it? Because you don´t exist.
The trick is to do it the amount that you need to realize what kind of role you are playing. So, you need to do it some amount and to some extension, so that you reach your personal depths and emotions that you shape you, emotions that make you who you are. But you need to really see it. You need to really look at it like it´s not you, like you look at somebody else from outside. Truth is very hurtfull, difficult and painfull, but you need to do it. That is the only way to see the creation you have done. When you see all the crazy shit you have been playing all your life, the destiny, the logic of happening, meeting and every people who have ever entered your life, you see that it is just a theater, just a play starring you.
And when you realize that there is no-one there, there is no you, no Eva, you definitely come to the place where everything is very boring. There is no drama anymore, because there is no-one to experience it. It is just impossible to be part of the drama called life, because you see that everything is just a play and nothing is real. And that place is boring my friend.
So if you are fantasizing of awakening, think again. This is not a happy place, not a eternal bliss or great inner peace. There is no-one to experience inner peace. Everybody else is in the themepark called life enjoying and suffering (like in the roller coaster), but you don´t do it anymore. No suffering, but no enjoying either. At least not in the way you use to enjoy before.